I cut my hair last week. Lost about 11 inches. There have been some recent pictures of me as Hermione, so that should give you an idea how long it was. I hadn't seriously cut it in over five years. It went past halfway down my back. Even when put up in a ponytail, it went most of the way down my back. Now it goes in layers from chin to a few inches longer. It feels so much lighter and nicer. I'll try to post a picture later. I really like it; even though I have to style it every day (no more quick and easy ponytails or buns) it is fairly simple to take care of and style.

I've been thinking about changing and doing a major cut for my hair for over a month now, so that wasn't a surprise. But in general I've been feeling sort of restless lately. I've always watched the job ads just to see what's out there, what the average salaries are, etc. But lately they've seemed more interesting than before. I adore adore adore my job and have no desire to leave, I'm really starting to get restless that's all and looking at jobs in other cities is fun. (Though Heather would kill me if I moved.)

I'm content being single, most days. Today, driving home from church, a guy caught my eye. I couldn't have looked more like a stereotypical good girl. I'm in a pretty sundress, conservative shoes and make up, Bible on the seat beside me, on my way home from Sunday morning church. When I pulled up at a stoplight, two guys on motorcycles (henceforth referred to as bikes) pulled up in the lane beside me. Tight-ish jeans, black tshirts (with sleeves ripped off), headphones to their ipods, sunglasses, no helmets. I don't think these boys were coming from church. One looked at me and smiled and then I think our behavior could best be described as "making eyes" at one another (non verbal flirting that was definitely not all in my head). After the light turned green, they sped quickly past me and whipped into the gas station just past the intersection. I was tempted to get gas myself to see if the one would start a conversation. Often I get gas after church - it's a convenient time and there's a convenient gas station, that gas station actually. However I got gas yesterday, and my tank was basically completely full. Oh well. I've never really had too much of a thing for bad boys - I've always been far too practical. But my father is a motorcyclist, in fact he rode his bike to church this morning. So I guess I grew up with proof that bad boy motorcyclists can grow into awesome Christians and family men. Or maybe I just like a guy on a fast bike, in tight jeans, and black tshirts. Perhaps I should have stopped, but it is probably more fun as a fantasy of a missed opportunity.

Thanks everyone for the nice things last entry. I know I've pushed myself too hard for too many years and that time resting is just natural and good and needed. I'm not lazy, I'm tired, I'm recuperating, I've earned it. I know all these things intellectually. But downshifting from my frantic pace to a normal pace isn't easy. I still do many things, Bible Study, Junior League stuff, Church Librarian stuff, etc. But it feels like less, and I need to accept that that is okay.

Lianne made a comment about life changes. It is odd. I've been reflecting on that a lot lately. I'm in more or less the most permanent phase I've ever had. In terms of housing, I always knew (once I was old enough to stop and think about it), that I would leave my parents house. The dorms and college apartments were obviously transitional, as was the return to my parents house during grad school. Now I live in the condo owned by a friend. I pay her rent. I'm not in a lease, so theoretically I can leave whenever I want. But I love where I'm living, it's a good situation, and I see no need to move anytime soon. In terms of jobs, I've always had jobs that I knew when I was leaving. I worked various places in college and high school and knew I'd leaved them when I graduated. Same with internships. I love the job I have now. I could make a career if not in this position, in this system. I imagine I'll be here a minimum of five years. But who knows what will happen?

I've always had goals to work toward, the bachelor's degree, the Master's degree, that were very definable, and I knew exactly what steps to take towards them. It was easy to measure my project and celebrate my achievements. Now I don't have that. I have goals for myself personally and profesionally, but they aren't as tangible, as defined, and as easy to measure. Not to mention that there is no time crunch. It is just a matter of me adjusting to his new period, new phase, new way of thinking of living of being.

My degree arrived. I believe it is only a diploma at high school and everything thereafter is a degree. I could be wrong, I frequently am. And it doesn't much matter. The little piece of paper certifying that I am a graduate with a Master's of Library Science arrived. It's not a very impressive looking piece of paper. It almost immediately got placed in the little protective padded leather holder thing and put with the other degrees and diplomas. I'm not a frame it and stick it on your wall type of gal. Plus I don't really have an office wall that needs one. Yet.

I've been done with school for a month now. And I'm still recovering. I thought I'd be lazy for a week or so and move on. That is my normal pattern. But not yet. And it's been a month. I'm tired a lot. I want naps (can't take them most days because I work a normal full time job). In the evenings, I far too often have something to go to (girls night, Bible study, Junior League, etc.) I usually get at most one or two nights a week home (I work one evening and one half evening). And on those evenings I don't get much accomplished. I watch television (taping interesting shows that are on nights I'm out - don't have a TiVo/DVR but I really want one), read, and play on my computer. That's it. On weekends, I do some social stuff, and read, watch tv, and play on the computer. I make it to the gym still only a couple of times a week.

Seriously I need to shape up. I had all these big projects I wanted to do when school was done. But they've only been realized in brief fits of productivity at most lasting six hours. So far all I've accomplished: some cleaning, assembled bookshelves, put away books, established a permanent scrapbooking area, reorganized scrapbooking supplies, and a few other odds and ends. Occasionally I bring home a work project (I'm going to plan my seminar on the History of English for homeschoolers this weekend) or what not. I read the professional journals at home usually on commercial breaks. Oh, I've read lots of books, and watched television, but that's it. It's rather sad how non-productive I am.*

That's the thing. I'm tired and lazy and can't seem to shake it. I have to force myself to do things with people. I go to my activities, but I have skipped some of them if I only had one night a week at home so I could get another evening of slothitude. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. Perhaps my body, spirit, mind, and soul need a little while longer to recover from the years of abuse and overwork I've heaped upon them. But what if I don't recover? What if it turns out that underneath everything, I am a very lazy person?

In the years of trial (which is how I believe I shall refer to the time period in which I worked full time or worked part-time and volunteered heavily and went to school full time until something better occurs to me), I neglected friendships and social time so that I could suceed. One of my goals was to really focus on renewing those bonds. Hasn't happened. I mean to call people and socialize, but I haven't. It just seems so hard and I get kinda tired. I do some low key low maintenance type of things, but have to really gear up for anything bigger. That is something I really want to fix.

*Before you say that it seems like a decent amount, it isn't, not by my standards, not compared to what I was doing when I was going to school full time and working full time. Didn't watch much tv then, or take naps, or what not.

I've been very "woe is me" lately for which I apologize. The thing is I'm actually pretty content right now.

good things in my life

• I like my job a great deal. I'm half-heartedly looking for a professional position because I shoud utilize my masters degree but I feel I can still learn a lot here.
  
• I have a great living arrangement.
  
• I will be done with school in less than a month. There is some stress with some of the classes and capstone projects, but the end is in sight.
  
• I have a supportive group of friends.
  
• I got the Junior League placement I wanted.
  
• I adore the skirt I'm wearing right now; it took me three years to find exactly what I wanted, but it was worth it. (It is a plain denim angle length straight skirt with a slit in the back so I can move - no weird ruffle, no large flowers, no sequin design, just a basic item that is apparently almost never sold but well worth it)
  
• My bed is really comfortable
  
• My cat seems very fond of me and I of her
  

I have other thoughts, but I'll save them. I have other blessings for which I am thankful, but they're more personal, even sillier, or too private to mention here (or just not occurring to me right now).

I want to laugh. I want to laugh so hard I'm almost crying. I want to laugh so hard I am crying. Not the little chuckles that come from watching something funny or reading an amusing book/website/etc. Those are solo laughs. The type of laughter I'm talking about is shared laughter. With good friends or family or a little of both, it blossoms quickest. It starts with small chuckes, shared jokes, references to rememberances, comments and observations on current affairs and it grows. Before you know it, you're laughing more than you're talking. Each laugh is only interupted by small pauses until a someone makes a short comment and you're going again. One or two words can continue the merriment indefinitely. Pain grows in your side, the good type of pain, the pain that means that your heart is filling with love and laughter and your lungs filling with air at too great a rate to be contained. Tears start to well up in your eyes and you hastily wipe them away. But the hilarity continues and the tears fall unhindered as you collapse together gasping for air, shaking, and overcome by the sheer emotion and exhilaration of being alive, being together, and the humor inherent. Right now that is how I want to laugh.

I turned my last paper in for school for this semester on Sunday. I should be less stressed. But I'm not. It takes me about a week to destress, detox, debrief, dewhatever, just calm down and come down from the adrenaline and stress that carries me through the last three weeks of a semester. After every semester of undergrad, I would get extremely sick as soon as it was done, I was home and relaxing. One semester I finished finals, attended my roommate's wedding, caught a flight home for my siblings' graduation, and woke up the morning after the last of their graduation activities (a full week after my last final) with a 104.2 fever. That's pretty standard for how I deal with the end of stress. (Here's hoping my wedding isn't that stressful, or the honeymoon won't be any fun.) In my life it seems that stress is the status quo. I don't think my body knows how to cope with a lack of stress. Right now I can not relax. I keep almost inventing things to stress about. I'll probably be better in a few more days, but right now it is hell. I'm jumpy and edgy. I can't sit still and focus on a simple conversation, my mind keeps racing thinking I'm supposed to be doing this and that. All my Christmas shopping was done. Then I got an email saying that my Junior League small group social is high tea on the Plaza this Saturday (very late notice since the email came Tuesday) and includes a gift exchange. So now I need to go grab something for that. For some other people I am making a pack of homemade various occasion cards, but I will not get those done in time for Saturday to do additional cards for the gift exchange. (In the future I'm starting my giveaway cards in June). I think I am going to pick up a set of wine chams (little rings with charms that you attach to wine glass stems at parties so people can tell whose glass is whose). It's a $10 limit thief (white elephant, but with good gifts) exchange. I'm looking forward to it, but not to gettng the gift. Also on my list of things to stress about (which I shouldn't really stress about, but like I say I can't seem to not stress) is finishing xmas cards (I've finally started to mail some), wrapping presents, finishing giveaway cards, and I want to make some holiday candy. That last one may be the one that gets skipped. None of that is crucialy important, but I still can't seem to relax. I am working the two jobs today and in between them, I was going to clean the turtle cage, but I may skip that and instead go work some sweat and stress off at the gym.